(parenthetically speaking)

(parenthetically speaking)

Don Jozwiak  //  Figuring it out as I go along.

Nov 30 / 7:15am

Tiger Woods vs. the world.

Everybody in the world knows two things about Tiger Woods' private life after his one-vehicle accident at the end of his driveway late Thanksgiving night: First, he was in an unusual auto accident; and second, that Team Tiger doesn't care if you ever know any more about it than that.

Tiger and his close group of family, friends and employees run a tighter ship than any other celebrity athlete in the world. Prior to this weekend, the raciest thing Woods had ever been party to was a few off-color jokes attributed to him in a magazine article back in 1997 – after that, media access to Tiger got even tighter. And the closest thing to a widespread media controversy involving the world's No. 1 golfer was also in 1997, when Fuzzy Zoeller made an ill-advised racial remark as Woods was winning his first Masters Tournament.

How Team Tiger handled the Fuzzy situation is instructive as to what we're seeing today in response to last week's auto accident. Instead of firing back at Fuzzy by holding a press conference, airing his gripes by a talking to ESPN or going on Oprah to cry about the situation (I don't think Tiger's a crier, but when in Rome...), there was silence. Except for a sterile statement accepting Fuzzy's apology, there was no response, off the cuff or otherwise.

Tiger's amazing career can be credited to talent and discipline. Plenty of golfers can hit the same shots, but few of them have the discipline to practice as hard as Tiger or perform under pressure. The same discipline is expected of Team Tiger: No leaks to the media, no private pictures ending up on Facebook. The Brand of Tiger has been built on the iconic image of him as The Man on the golf course, and the curtain is never lifted on what he might actually be like off the course. Much the same as the strategy that made Michael Jordan an icon.

Unlike Jordan, who likes to publicly gamble, drink, smoke and meet ladies, Tiger is seen as a bit of nerd. He likes to hang at home and be an 30-plus college kid, playing video games with buddies and hanging out with his ex-model wife and two young kids. Golf and a simple (if ridiculously wealthy) home life. Likable and bland. Nothing more, keep moving.

Now, however, there's a peek into Tiger's private life. Maybe he's a really bad driver. Maybe he was running out to buy diapers or get Tylenol for one of his kids in the middle of the night. Maybe there's a really innocent explanation. Or maybe there's a salacious one – his wife attacked him over a rumored affair, or he was under the influence of painkillers when he smashed his Cadillac.

Nature, the media and the public abhor a vacuum. Instead of making a sheepish appearance in front of the cameras or giving an interview to a major media outlet, Team Tiger has released three official statements, one under Tiger's name and one each from his agent and publicist. That's it. And don't expect any more. Tiger appears to be playing this as he would the back nine of a tournament on Sunday – narrowing his focus, circling the wagons and keeping the rest of the world out of his business. Give a statement to the police? Not if I don't have to. Explain what exactly happened at 2:45am? No thanks. It's a private matter, and that's that.

Most athletes would be in major damage control mode at this point, trying not to lose lucrative endorsements. Tiger doesn't care. He's worth nearly a billion dollars, and he makes more than $10 million a year from golf alone. If he lost his Nike deal, he'd be OK. So we'll see who blinks first, Tiger or the glare of speculation. If he plays in his own tournament this week, he'll have to address the media – but there will likely be a "golf-only" request made to questioners, and Tiger would likely fend off any questions on his accident by saying he'd already addressed it and that it's a private matter. After this week, Tiger's probably not going to play again until late January – plenty of time for the media to move on, and the public to Tweet about something else.

I guess I find this admirable and fascinating. The man truly wants his private life to be just that, and appears to be willing to take the flack that comes from keeping the world guessing about what happened last week. And he's probably the only celebrity athlete who can afford to play hardball in this way, accepting embarrassment and ambiguity as the tradeoff for the privacy he craves.
The situation could still go in any direction – such as further details surfacing that force Tiger's hand – but I'm interested to see if Tiger can stare down the expectations of the media and the public the way he stares down Phil Mickelson.

(Speaking of Phil, he and Tiger famously don't get along. But I bet Mickelson is rooting for Tiger to hold onto his privacy in this case. Phil's been the topic of many whisper campaigns about his marriage and gambling habits, and he's tried to hold the line on how much people see of his private life. If Tiger can no-comment his way through this, it creates a firewall for Phil and any other celebrity athlete.)

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Filed under  //  golf   media   Tiger  

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Nov 28 / 10:37am

Taking the leap.

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Filed under  //  photos  

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Nov 25 / 1:35pm

The MSU football season in almost-review.

I know the season isn't technically over; the Spartans will probably get a bid to one of the dozen-plus completely useless bowl games that clutter ESPN's lineup throughout December. But here's a quick look back at the regular season that was..

Overall, the signs are encouraging that the program is moving in the right direction. The mistakes of the John L(oser) Smith era are receding, and I really think Mark Dantonio and crew are a good match for MSU football long-term. The 2009 squad was probably overrated in the preseason, then had a funky regular season. The late losses to Central Michigan and Notre Dame really stung, and there was never any consistency to the running attack in the post-Javon Ringer era. MSU could have easily won both of those games and the Iowa game, and it could have easily lost to Michigan and Purdue. I'd say 6-6 is about right for this team, even if 8-4 was what I was expecting.

I think the Spartans have two big things going in their favor for next year and beyond:

1. Quarterbacks – I was one of the many who thought Keith Nichol would be the starter by midseason, but Kirk Cousins flat outplayed Nichol throughout the year. I'm glad the team has a pair of capable QBs, and that the rivalry for the starting spot should keep both sharp and improving over the next couple years. I understand the team has a couple strong QBs in the recruiting pipeline as well. Speaking of that...

2. Recruiting – Dantonio has been quietly picking up solid classes, helped by the popularity of the MSU basketball program and by the stumbles and change of direction at U-M. With the RichRod spread offense, Michigan simply isn't recruiting the same kind of players anymore. That opens up a ton of opportunities for the Spartans, especially in the area of big lineman and running backs, and non-running QBs. Look no further than Iowa this year to see that having a dominant, massive O-line can take you far in the Big Ten. It's a concern that top recruit William Gholston (a 6-7 linebacker from Detroit), who verbally committed to MSU, is talking about visiting other schools. But overall, MSU is doing a much better job getting players who wouldn't have looked seriously at East Lansing just a few seasons ago.

And there's some addition by subtraction, too. I'm glad to see Glenn "Might Have a Problem With Violence" Winston have to get kicked off the team; especially after his body-slam fight with the hockey team last year. I can't believe he ever played a down for the team this year, even if he had electric speed out of the backfield before he blew a knee ligament. Remember that Dantonio booted a couple other RBs off the team in mid-season. I don't know that MSU can build itself into a football powerhouse like Tom Izzo has done with men's hoops, but building a solid, clean program is well within Dantonio's grasp.

In the meantime, I look forward to nabbing an official MSU Little Caesar's Bowl T-shirt next month. It ain't much to be thankful for, but I'm sure our big sister in Ann Arbor wishes she had one more game to play this season. (Oh, c'mon, I had to go there. You know MSU fans are arrogant asses!)

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Filed under  //  Big Ten   football   MSU   Spartans  

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Nov 24 / 9:10am

In praise of barber shops.

As much as men bag on women for overspending time and money at hair salons, I must admit that I love going to the barber shop. When your day includes the bracing aftershave sting and the sensation of a fresh cut, you know it's going to be a good day. I had my monthly cut at Farmington's Korner Barbers this AM, and I couldn't be happier. If you're a man, you need to avoid places like Fantastic Sam's and Lady Jane's like the plague. If you're somehow unclear on this, allow me to perform a public service for you.

Your haircut experience should have several of the following factors:

Barber pole: Maybe you think it's a bit old-timey, but this is a sure sign that you're in the right place.

Big honkin' barber chairs: Not a dinky little office chair-style seat with a chintzy lift. A big chrome-and-burgandy-vinyl monstrosity with a grid-patterned footrest and enough pneumatic lift power to do automotive work.

Actual barbers: Barbers and stylists both have to go to school to get their certification. One of the main differences is that barbers are trained to use a straight-edge razor. That's man stuff. And...

Razor in use: Your barber should shave your neck and around your ears with the straight-edge razor and hot lather. Bonus points for sharpening the blade with a leather strap right in front of you.

Clubman aftershave: Clear bottle, green label, unchanged forever. Clubman talc can be used as well. Either way, that's what a barber shop is supposed to smell like, and what you should smell like when you leave.

Magazines and newspapers: At the very least, there should be a rack or pile that includes that day's local daily/weekly paper, a USA Today (the sports section is in the bathroom), Sports Illustrated, Field & Stream, Motor Trend and Popular Science.

Adult men's magazines: I grew up getting my hair cut with my dad at Art's Barber Shop. In the bathroom: a big stack of Playboys. Sam's Barber Shop, a mainstay of the Dime Building in Detroit, has that and more in the cozy waiting area (with vinyl covers to keep passersby from seeing exactly which issue of Penthouse you're checking out). Nothing says "This is a place for men" quite like lots of pictures of nude women.

Lollipops: Any barber shop that doesn't have a big bucket of Dum Dums for kids should be condemned. Or at least avoided.

TV: When men gather, we need something going on in the background so we are less self-conscious about ourselves. This is why TV sports and John Woo movies are popular. At the barber, the TV volume should be low, and the channel should be either CNN or ESPN. Fox News is a major fail here.

Local small talk: Yes, you'll need to cover the weather and your plans for the weekend with your barber. But the man makes small talk with at least a dozen other dudes every day. He knows what businesses are coming or going, which high school sports teams are doing well and other potentially interesting bits. Detroit Sam cut the hair of judges, prosecutors and defense attorneys, and always had good dish about whatever high-profile trials were going on.

Men: Of course, women can be barbers, and good ones. But you must avoid the Lady Jane-style hair shops inspired by Hooters. Yes, a marginally attractive college dropout in heels, a pushup bra and tight shirt will cut your hair. But she'll do a crappy job and expect a big tip. You're not getting a massage, you're getting a haircut; get it from a guy with a mustache and a pair of comfortable shoes.

A full shave: At least once, every man should grow a beard and have it shaved off with a straght-edge razor in a barber shop. The hot towels, the lather, the closest cut you'll ever have. A thing of beauty. For at least 10 minutes your face will feel like God washed it with unicorn tears. Plus, you get the cathartic "Holy crap, the blade is passing over my jugular" feeling, which is nice. (Don't sneeze.)

If you're missing many of these, you're missing out. Now get out there and get it done so you don't look like a bum for Thanksgiving.
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Filed under  //  grooming   hair   men  

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Nov 21 / 12:27pm

Michigan football, sponsored by Bad Idea Jeans.

I had no intention of writing anything about Michigan's football follies. After all, little brother doesn't like to point out when big brother wets the bed. But the shocking ineptitude shown by the 'Maizin' Blue in its lie-down loss at home to onetime rival Ohio State got me to thinking:

A) The annoying saying "be careful what you ask for – you just might get it" was coined for these situations. How's Lloyd Carr looking now, Bill Martin? Remember when a "bad" year was 8 wins and a good bowl appearance? Don't take a big leap unless you have an idea of where you might land. I thought Coach Carr was kind of a prick, but he ran a clean program and his teams carried on the lofty standard established by St. Bo.

B) Hiring RichRod was one of the worst decisions of all time. Clearly over his head in every way. Not to mention HE'S A FREAKING SYSTEM COACH. Systems always get figured out. The spread is cool offense when it works. When people have seen your version of it for almost a decade and you have nothing else in your pocket, you're going to get your ass handed to you.

C) It isn't like the program had fallen into disrepair and needed years to be turned around. Rich Rod had plenty of talent in the cupboard when he got to Washtenaw County. If he knew how to coach, he'd have stuffed his ego in his clipboard and adjusted his system to make use of the Carr recruits already on board. Instead, he alienates all the juniors and seniors and goes straight ahead with his gimmick offense. I'd mention the defense, but I don't think he has a system there. (Brandon Graham is a full-grown man; the rest, not so much.) You think RichRod needs six years to implement his grand plan? Riiight. I say the plan is on full display.

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Filed under  //  football   Wolverines  

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Nov 20 / 8:23am

Straight outta Milford: NYT tests the Volt.

The New York Times has a writeup of a recent test drive of a Chevy Volt at GM's Proving Grounds in Milford. I don't know if this car or others like it will succeed, but the technology sounds really cool. Don't know how long before the Volt and its offspring will become affordable, but this is exactly what I would want in a small around-town car.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/22/automobiles/autoreviews/22-chevy-volt.html?_r=1&hp#

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Filed under  //  cars   GM   Michigan  

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Nov 19 / 12:30pm

Dear birds: Stop creeping me out.

Just as the Swallows return to Capistrano every spring, the crappy little brown birds return to our neighborhood each fall. I don't even know what these things are – brown speckled backs, white bellies, mean dispositions, travel in large groups. Today's their coming-out party, and they're everywhere. I can see at least two dozen out my window: in the branches of the bushes and trees, searching the grass for bugs, landing on my windowsill. One even flew into Rebecca's office window earlier. (You may have heard the THUMP of impact, or the scream that followed.) I can hear an even larger group chirping in unison in the common area to our north.

I don't know what tripped nature's alarm clock and brought all the brown birds to the yard today, but PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP. Big ups to the squirrels that occasionally show up and chase these little Hitchcockian drones away. If you need me, I'll be under the desk.

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Filed under  //  birds   jerks   nature  

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Nov 18 / 11:32am

Who's a Fraidy Cat?

Daring Fireball's John Gruber has started a smart Tumblr blog called Fraidy Cats. It tracks who's on the pro and con sides of holding terrorist trials in the U.S., as well as who stands where on housing Gitmo detainees on U.S. soil. Great idea. (I'm not a Fraidy Cat.)

Afraid:
Rep. John Shadegg:

“I saw the Mayor of New York said today, ‘We’re tough. We can do it.’ Well, Mayor, how are you going to feel when it’s your daughter that’s kidnapped at school by a terrorist? How are you going to feel when it’s some clerk — some innocent clerk of the court — whose daughter or son is kidnapped? Or the jailer’s little brother or little sister? This is political correctness run amok.”

Not Afriad:
Michael Bloomberg:

“I have great confidence that the NYPD, with federal authorities, will handle security expertly. The NYPD is the best police department in the world and it has experience dealing with high-profile terrorism suspects and any logistical issues that may come up during the trials.”

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Filed under  //  gruber   politics  

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Nov 18 / 6:02am

Not ON the rocks. UNDER the rocks.

Drilling for oil in Alaska? Bad. Drilling for whiskey in Antarctica? Good. This smells of a publicity stunt, but I'd volunteer to be a member of the crew.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/17/beverage-company-drilling_n_360540.html

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Filed under  //  adventure   whiskey  

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Nov 17 / 8:11am

Another example of why Fake Steve Jobs is the best.

I've written before about how great The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs is, and why Dan Lyons is a golden god for having the idea and making it work. Dan's stuff for Newsweek is great (as it was at Forbes before he made the jump), but there's only so much room in a weekly magazine for his expertise. The Fake Steve Jobs guise is perfect for Lyons to mix humor and spot-on business/tech opinion writing. Check out his post from yesterday about a new Apple patent regarding a scheme to sell advertising. This is why people become journalists: to entertain and inform. (And also too as well some of us are not so hot at math.)

http://www.fakesteve.net/2009/11/re-our-patent-application-for-an-evil-advertising-scheme.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheSecretDiaryOfSteveJobs+%28The+Secret+Diary+of+Steve+Jobs%29

(Go ahead, bookmark the site and get it over with. Even better, an RSS feed. Now!)

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Filed under  //  Apple   Dan Lyons   FSJ   writing  

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